NWB - Community Blog

28 Mar 2011

Dealing with telephone salesmen

Filed Under : Rants , Hello

Posted By : Dom Blair - Tsunami69 | Comments : 5

An attempt to lighten the mood for a Monday morning.......

This is a real conversation that was had between a hapless telephone salesman and one of the worlds most talented web design gurus - Andy 'Malarkey' Clarke.

You probably know how it is, you’re just sitting down to dinner (perhaps in front of your favourite TV show) when the phone rings.

Salesman
Hello, can I speak to the person responsible for your gas/electricity/telephone/bills, please?

Your heart sinks. Sometimes it's UPVC double-glazing on offer, sometimes you've won a competition (which you hadn't entered) and are eligable for £1000 off a new kitchen. At work the calls can multiply. But rather than just say We're not interested! or hang up, if I've got a free five minutes I like to play games.

Salesman
Good evening, can I speak to the person who looks after your telephone bills please? I'd like to tell you how we can save you money on what you're paying now.

Malarkey
I'm sorry, we haven't got any telephones.

Salesman
What do you mean you've got no phones, I'm calling you now aren't I?

Malarkey
Yes I know, clever isn't it? We use tin-cans joined together with string. It's not perfect but we pay nothing for our calls. (Makes string twanging noise) (Twang!)

Salesman
You're not serious?

Malarkey
(Twang, twang!) I'm perfectly serious, we've given tin-cans to all our friends and family too. We've even got broadband, but we use rope instead of string for that. (Twang!)

Salesman
So you wouldn't be interested to find out more from me?

Malarkey
(Twang!) Sorry? (Twang!) It's getting windy outside. (Twang, twang, twang!) I'm losing you.
Salesman

Fuck off! (Sound of hanging up)

Malarkey
(Twang!)

Comments

# Posted by Kingpin (Keith) - 28/03/2011, 11:28 (GMT)

like the last twang after he'd hung up!...LMFAO

# Posted by Tubthumper - 28/03/2011, 11:53 (GMT)

I used to get Safestyle windows coming round constantly wanting to give me a "free survey" for windows and doors even though they were the first thing I had done to the house when I bought it 14 years ago and they were plainly almost brand new.

I routinely sent them away from my doorstep with the very polite and, I thought, reasonable, observation that since I had just spent a considerable sum on home improvements why on earth would I want to replace them when they were still within a 10 year guarantee.

Not to be put off by such a stunning display of common sense they then adopted the tactic of stealthily telephoning me.....repeatedly. Month after month of repeat calls asking to give me a "free survey" and months and months of me asking them to remove me from their database.

The calls continued....I subscribed to the telephone preference service....still the calls come.

In the end I arranged for my "free survey" at a date and time convenient to me but at which date and time I had absolutely no intention of being home. They phone again to say how sorry they were to have missed me and can they re-arrange - at which point I say that I have been receiving unwanted calls now for over 3 years and neither need nor desire new windows or doors. I politely explain the number of times I have been asked not to be troubled with further calls but that as my request has gone unheeded I have now decided that for every time they waste my time by calling at my house or ringing me in contravention of the TPS code that I will arrange my "free survey" cheerfully but never ever allow access to my property for it to be carried out and that if they wish to continue wasting both their own time and mine I will play their game for as long as they wish to retain my details.

It worked....for about a year.....then the BOGOF offers started and so did the cold calls....quite how I haven't had my now 14 year old windows put through by an irate salesman I don't know....

# Posted by Captain Trubshaw - 28/03/2011, 15:03 (GMT)

you need to see this! lol

&feature=related

# Posted by viking - 29/03/2011, 15:24 (GMT)

what i USED to do was say-"could you just hang a minute whilst i sort something, please?" -then put the phone down(with the salesperson still there-waiting) and leave it-and leave it ...and leave it!! you'd hear "hello? hello? are you still there??" after about two minutes they'd hang up-sometimes with a rather choice expletive!!
freya used to say it was an evil trick-i say -sod it-iffen i was interested in their goods or services i would contact THEM!!

however-now i have signed up to this- ....no more unwanted calls.!! ;-D

http://www.tpsonline.org.uk/tps/

# Posted by somebig™Cowboys - 06/04/2011, 16:42 (GMT)

unwanted telephone caller : hello can i speak to ..... etc etc
me : oh hi, hello there, I wonder could you help me
utc : er, um, yes sure
me : yes, you see i'm wondering what to have for me tea, what do you think
utc : usually stunned silence ..... sometimes, but only sometimes they crack on with , well what have you got in etc etc .....

i don't mind spending an hour chatting about food!!!

haha

don't usually get past 3 minutes tho!

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